Joe's all time favorite sports team names EVER #6

#6 Birmingham Vulcans (Defunct pro football team-WFL)
Just plain stupid...

© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

Joe's all time favorite sports team names EVER #7

#7 Gray's Harbor Chokers
(Community College in Washington State)

Funny in two ways:
Choking
&
Choking...


© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

WEAK FOUR PICKS

Weird last week hitting 6-6-2 ATS
bringing my yearly total to:22-21-3

This weeks offerings:

Buffalo -1 vs. NEW ORLEANS (39)
N.O.

JACKSONVILLE -3 1/2 vs. Denver (38 1/2)
Jax.

TAMPA BAY -6 1/2 vs. Detroit (35)
T.B

CINCINNATI -10 vs. Houston (42)
Cin.

Indianapolis -7 vs. TENNESSEE (44 1/2)
Ind.

Philadelphia -3 1/2 vs. KANSAS CITY (48)
Phil

NEW ENGLAND -6 1/2 vs. San Diego (42)
S.D.*

WASHINGTON -2 vs. Seattle (36)
Sea.

St. Louis -3 1/2 vs. N.Y. GIANTS (44)
NYG

BALTIMORE -2 1/2 vs. N.Y. Jets (34)
Balt.

OAKLAND -3 vs. Dallas (46)
Oak.

ATLANTA -6 vs. Minnesota (44 1/2)
Minn.

ARIZONA -3 vs. San Francisco (42 1/2)
Ariz.

Monday night:
CAROLINA -7 1/2 vs. Green Bay (42 1/2)
CAR

© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

Joe's all time favorite sports team names EVER #8

#8 Yuma Criminals (Arizona High School)

The high school was started in a jail. Believe it or not they have a website and sell all sorts of products with the logo. Good marketing I suppose....

© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

Joe's all time favorite sports team names EVER #9

#9 The Orofino Maniacs (Illinois High School)

Apparently the state's correctional mental faclity is located in Orofino and what better way to honor the criminally insane than this?

© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

Joe's all time favorite sports team names EVER #10

10-The Butte Pirates (Colorado High School)

The real logo is seen here on the left, however, some enterprising souls went out and marketed to the gay community the more suggestive shirt on the right.




© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

me and pop in London 2004

Ahh England,
where the beer is warm
the women cold
and the food
always fried...

© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

Q&A

"How can you fuck so well when you're loaded?"

"It's easy baby, because I masturbate loaded."

© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

"I Just Can't Help Believing"

"I Just Can't Help Believing"

(As recorded by B.J. Thomas)
CYNTHIA WEIL/BARRY MANN

I just can't help believing when she smiles up soft and gentle
With a trace of misty morning and a promise of tomorrow in her eyes
And I just can't help believing when she's lying close beside me
And my heart beats with the rhythm of her sighs.

This time the girl is gonna stay
This time the girl is gonna stay
For more than just a day.

I just can't help believing when she slips her hand in my hand
And it feels so small and helpless that my fingers fold around it like a glove
And I just can't help believing when she's whispering her magic
And her tears are shining honey sweet with love.

This time the girl is gonna stay
This time the girl is gonna stay
For more than just a day.
For more than just a day
(I just can't help believing)
(I just can't help believing)
(I just can't help believing).

(c) Copyright 1968, 1970 by Screen Gems - Columbia Music, Inc., New York.

Ode to grease

WAFFLE HOUSE WOMAN,
I LOVE YOU!

I want to feel
your sticky
fingerTIPS

I need
your industrial
strength
grease barrell
LIPS

your color scheme
brown and CANARY
your legs
and grits
both lumpy and HAIRY.....

Yes Waffle House woman, I
love YOU

With a love like todays special,
so TRUE....
gimmie some Berts chili
and how about a patty melt
TOO?

Scattered,
covered,
chunked and DICED
Waffle House Woman
your butt'ry love is awful
NICE.

So thanks for the refill,
thanks for the
GAS....

I'll leave
my 10% gratuity
in your.......

station.


© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

This southern town was so small

that it's welcome wagon consisted of
2 stray dogs.

Welcome to
Manchester....

May we sniff your
ass?


© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

Gainesville

Gainesville's
new motto-

Welcome to Gainesville
"Looks like Dalton,
tastes like Chicken."


© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

WEAK THREE PICKS

Much better last week
hitting 9-6-1 ATS bringing my yearly total to:
16-15-1

This weeks offerings:

BUFFALO OFF vs. Atlanta (38)
Buff.
OFF due to VICK Injury

Carolina -3 1/2 vs. MIAMI (38 1/2)
Car.

Defense against defense, unfortunately Miami doesn't have a QB.

Cincinnati -3 vs. CHICAGO (40)
Chi.

This should be a good game. But go with the home dog and Defense.

INDIANAPOLIS -13 1/2 vs. Cleveland (47)
Ind.

N.Y. JETS OFF vs. Jacksonville (37)
NYJ
OFF Due to QB Leftwich injury.

Both teams need this one. QB health in JAX otherwise I would go all out.

MINNESOTA E vs. New Orleans (45)
Minn.

NOLA could and should steal one on the road, but MINN is desperate.

PHILADELPHIA -6 vs. Oakland (44)
Phil.

Easy

Tampa Bay -3 vs. GREEN BAY (38 1/2)
T.B.

Even easier...

ST. LOUIS -6 1/2 vs. Tennessee (46)

I find this line surprising given the Titans dismantling of the Ravens last week.

SEATTLE -6 1/2 vs. Arizona (43)
SEA

Dallas -7 vs. SAN FRANCISCO (38)
Dall.

PITTSBURGH -3 vs. New England (41 1/2)
Pitt.
New England can't stop the run, look out!

SAN DIEGO -4 vs. N.Y. Giants (37)
S.D.

SD needs this one...

Monday night
DENVER -3 vs. Kansas City (50)
K.C.
Too much firepower here.

© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

to do list (9-20-05)

so many things to do
and yet....
it seems unimportant
all of it
in the light of a rainy tuesday afternoon.


© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

Priceless advertising

By Faith
Christian Carpet Shop

"Jesus laid down his
life for our sins,
We lay carpet
for you."


© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

At times

having an especially
clean mouth
really means a lot.


© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

Note to self:

Don't go out for a night of
drinking with the guys after
donating blood.

11/18/2003 2:20 PM


© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

unfortunate ketchup incident

July 14, 200x

RE: Unfortunate ketchup incident
Manager
Zaxby’s-Acworth
3511 Baker Road
Acworth, Georgia 30101


Dear Mr. Zaxby:

My employees and I were conducting a grants training workshop at North Metro Technical College on July 9, 200x and when we were on break, decided to have lunch at your fine establishment.
After receiving an order of chicken fingers I went to get some ketchup from your automatic dispenser.
Unfortunately there was a problem with the air pressure in your machine and the red condiment fairly exploded all over my crisp white shirt and dark navy suit. I narrowly escaped serious harm by pirouetting at the last minute, otherwise I may very well have suffered serious pelvic discharge. Your staff was very apologetic and provided me with a wet towel to assist in somewhat cleaning me up but alas, the damage was done. I smelled like a giant French-fry for the rest of my training that afternoon and on my long drive back to Atlanta that evening I actually had to ride with the windows down. One of your counter staff helpfully offered that the restaurant would gladly pay my cleaning bill in order to “get the red out” of my clothing. I am enclosing a copy of the bill from my local dry cleaning establishment and would ask that you send reimbursement to me at the address below.

Thank you for your attention in this matter.

Sincerely,
J V
Deputy Director

Enclosure (1)
JV:jv



© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

sister-in-law

Dying With Anticipation
She promised me my greatest fantasy,
and now I wait,
trembling,
eager.
Will she tie me up?
Will she abuse me;
force me to do her desires?
Will she be a teacher, babysitter,
boss,
nurse,
or perhaps a cop?
Wait! I don't know how,
but she's discovered
my most secret wish!
Her sister!
Oh, most perfect wife,
sharing your luscious younger sister!
I love you my darling!
The bathroom door opens,
I cry out,
"Yes! Let me fuck your sister now!"
My wife stands there wearing a blonde wig
and a startled expression
that's rapidly sinking into fury.

I think maybe I guessed wrong....



© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

classic fear and loathing

a bloody nose, the smell of cold sweat and the certainty that you could never beat back all those knuckles, no matter how hard you tried.
I hated all those fuckers in that rich boy neighborhood.
I knew that while they had the numbers, I held the hate.
A hate filled with pain rage the injustice of a thousand years of a thousand souls and if they pushed me too far it would reign (YES REIGN) down upon them and their families without ceasing for 7 days. Smashing their smug existence, blotting out their swim team station wagon car pool, pissing on their pride of the neighborhood rose bushes, throwing their lawn jockeys through plate glass front windows and kicking their stupid toy poodles.
Shattering their feeble hope that their little friend cliques might actually protect them from the loss of the grave...
I'll give them evil
Joe evil


© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

Lounge Lizard

There you go, that dynamic, young executive with a full social calendar - a one-way ticket to jet set city. You're on first name terms with the world's best barmen, you smoke far too much yet stay slim and trim, your bed is round and every morning you look in the mirror and swear it's saying 'Thank you'. Mothers lift their children up for you to kiss and your tailor never charges. Cabarets were made for you, bars are a second home and a large cocktail is a kiss from a loved one. You can't fight the facts - you're the tops, kid.



© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

if not for you

there must be a way
for me to feel
the way I felt
before it
all went wrong.
Before
I thought
that love could never be
Before
I felt
your body next to me
before it
all went wrong
to get back to where we were
before


© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

WEAK TWO PICKS

OK,

Went 7-9 last week ATS, not good.
Was 6-3 in the early games but then killed with the later ones.
This weeks offerings:


Baltimore -3 vs. TENNESSEE (38)
Balt.
Baltimore recovers from bad week, TN does not.

TAMPA BAY -2 vs. Buffalo (35)
Buff.
Should be the best game of the day. I like Buff D and Griese is apt to succumb to pressure.

Detroit -2 1/2 vs. CHICAGO (33 1/2)
Det.
Tough call, great D in Chicago but the O is woeful with Orton.

INDIANAPOLIS -7 1/2 vs. Jacksonville (47 1/2)
Ind.
Another good game, strength agst strength, however, playing in INDY, have to give edge to Colts

CINCINNATI -3 vs. Minnesota (46)
Minn.
Toss up, but I believe the Vikes recover and I cant beleive in the Bengals just yet.

New England -3 vs. CAROLINA (45)
CAR
I think the Patriots are beatable and susceptible against the run this year.

Pittsburgh -5 vs. HOUSTON (38)
Pitt.
Pitt runs all over the texans.

PHILADELPHIA -9 vs. San Francisco (48)
Phil.
Even with McNabb hurt, good teams bounce back, 49ers outmatched.

SEATTLE E vs. Atlanta (38)
Sea.
Short week for Falcons after emotional win and Seattle is at home.

St. Louis -1 1/2 vs. ARIZONA (44)
St. L
Tough call, toss up really so I go with the proven winner agst the home dog.

GREEN BAY -7 vs. Cleveland (42)
CLE
GB wins but not by 7.

N.Y. JETS -6 vs. Miami (36)
NYJ
If this game was in Miami, Dolphins win.

DENVER -3 vs. San Diego (45)
S.D.
SD bounces back, Denver in the doldrums.

Kansas City -2 vs. OAKLAND (53)
K.C.
Too much power from the chiefs, should be lots of points.

Monday nightN.Y. Giants -3 vs. NEW ORLEANS (43)
NYG
Emotionally I am pulling for the Saints, but realistically its the Giants game to lose.

Monday nightDALLAS -6 vs. Washington (36)
Dall.
Washington played smart last week but again they face a tough D, this time on the road.

© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

poor dating prospects for the American male

Girls:

1. with 3 (or more) personalities in 1 body.
2. with a bigger dick than you.
3. with wooden legs (ever try and pull a termite out of your crotch?)
4. with dogs (because, deep down, they always would rather fuck their dog than you)
5. with glass eyes (it's just not as sexy as it sounds, Trust Me)

© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

to do list 9-11-5

• work out
• write
• sleep
• repeat
• spit

© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

ironic

Plot Summary for
Superdome (1978) (TV)

It's Superbowl. And there's a lot of drama, one of the players, Dave Wolecki, has been so preoccupied with the game and if his bum knee will hold out until the game, has been completely ignoring his wife. And McCauley, the team's star quarterback, is being courted by a management firm, and the man the firm has assigned to get him into the firm has been told that if he doesn't get him, he will be out. But that's nothing compared to the real drama. There's a killer running around. It seems that the syndicate doesn't want the highly favored Cougars to win. They tried to get the team's trainer to drug or incapacitate some players, and when he refuses he is killed. So, the team's manager has to try and find out who the killer is,
before he does some real damage.

© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

WEAK ONE PICKS

NEW ENGLAND -7 vs. Oakland (49 1/2) OAK
Denver -3 1/2 vs. MIAMI (38 1/2) DEN
Cincinnati -3 1/2 vs. CLEVELAND (44 1/2) CLE
BUFFALO -4 vs. Houston (40) Buff.
PITTSBURGH -7 1/2 vs. Tennessee (40) Pitt.
WASHINGTON -6 1/2 vs. Chicago (34) WASH
CAROLINA -5 vs. New Orleans (45 1/2) NOLA
MINNESOTA -6 vs. Tampa Bay (43) TB
JACKSONVILLE -3 vs. Seattle (39 1/2) Jax.
KANSAS CITY -3 vs. N.Y. Jets (49 1/2) K.C.
N.Y. GIANTS -1 1/2 vs. Arizona (38) ARIZ
St. Louis -4 1/2 vs. SAN FRANCISCO (46) STLOU
DETROIT -3 vs. Green Bay (45 1/2) DET
SAN DIEGO -4 1/2 vs. Dallas (40 1/2) S.D.
Indianapolis -3 vs. BALTIMORE (47 1/2) BAL
Monday night
Philadelphia -1 1/2 vs. ATLANTA (41 1/2) Phil.


© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

thoughts on NFL kickoff game 2005

1. FINALLLYYYYYY!!!!!!!
2. The Patriots are not running the ball and not defending the run well.
3. Randy Moss is a terrible person, but a helluva receiver.

All I could picture after the Moss TD was a call from Al Davis up in a luxury box to the sideline...
Al Davis-
"Randy, baby. That was great stuff. I'm sending two of my best hookers down to you right now!"
Randy Moss-
"Aw shucks Mr. Davis, it was nothing. Could I get one chocolate and one vanilla? "

© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

Picture a spelling bee....

A row of fidgety grade school children
(4th graders) in hard wooden backed chairs.
Before them is the classic school marm
in shawl and plain brown hair
tightly held in a bun.
The teacher is harsh and nasal
with her questions
but in this spelling bee
the children have to
spell words
that correspond to
their appearance:
effeminate
obtuse
ostentatious
histrionic
bovine


© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

another question

After seeing Schindlers List
the one question
on everyone's mind
is:
Adolph Hitler,
boxers or briefs?



© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

Hi,
my name is Leon
the garbageman
and I don't know how
it came to be
that I
am a garbageman,
but you work
with what life
leaves you.
Hey baby,
yes you,
why don't you
come empty
my can
for a change.
Play the sign
that
you love
and
I love
to play
as I
pick
the crevice
between
nostril
and
nosebone:
I'm gonna tell you.
Stop, let me tell you....
and I know what
so you can be
because I love you,
pretty baby.
I come from Alabama
wanna see my tattoo?



© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

? of semantics

There is this group of kids out there,
juvenile delinquents really,
who shoplift,
but these are some
clever little bastards
because they only
steal things
that are advertised as:
"Not Sold in any store".




© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

New answering machine message

"I knew this old man, he was eatin' this carrot.
Unfortunately, he didn't have very good teeth
so while he was chewin' on the carrot,
one of his fillings fell out and he swallowed it.
So,
the next day
when he looks down,
at his feet,
he noticed part of the carrot
was still there
along with his filling
next to it.
Now,
if you can figure this out
you certainly don't need
to be calling me,
you've got the wrong number.
If you can't figure this out,
then this is Joe
and please
leave your number at the beep.

© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

7 days to kickoff (and counting...)

Katrina (the hurricane)
is the bitch that will push
the Saints to Los Angeles next year.

I hate to see it,
hate to say it,
but mark my words...


© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

Beer Run

These guys are my heroes,
I swear to god,
no kidding....


© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press

pray for NOLA

Maybe she'll never recover,
I don't know,
but I mouth a silent prayer
anyway
to any gods that will listen:
pray for her streets,
pray for her people.

© Copyright 2005 Shroud Press